OPINION: A letter to my eating disorder

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Dear Eating Disorder,

You came into my life when I needed a friend most. I felt all alone, and I needed someone or something to turn to — and that was you.

Little did I know you would take so much from me. I allowed you to take over my mind and body. You began to warp my thoughts from good to bad, and I fell under your spell.

I did everything you told me to, between restricting my food intake, making myself sick and over-exercising. I began to question who I was becoming.

I let you stay, though, because you made me feel good about myself, even if it was just for five minutes. You held me so tight and close for many months. I felt like I couldn’t live without you. Who would I be without you?

I lost myself. And because of that, I will never forgive you. I pushed away the ones I loved the most. I strained my relationships for you. You made me feel like I couldn’t trust anyone in my life, but in reality, I could’ve.

I will never forgive you for the starvation, exhaustion and loneliness. It hurts to realize that part of you will always be inside of me. To this day, every time I look in a mirror, I hear you. When I eat something you don’t approve of, I hear you. If I miss a day of exercising, I hear you. However, I now know how to silence you.

I’ve defeated you because I don’t let you get to me anymore. And guess what — I’m making this public because I want the world to know how much you’ve impacted my life. And not for the good, but for the bad. I want the world to know that living with you was exhausting.

You live in so many other lives, and I want the world to know that they don’t need to be afraid of you. I wouldn’t wish you upon anyone because of what you do.

Eating Disorder, you are evil.

Now that I’m in recovery, I’m happy. I’m living my best life. Without my disorder, I feel like I can breathe and be myself again. Eating Disorder, you may still linger inside of me, but I will never let you take over my life again.

Gabrielle Albertson is a senior in mass communications. The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the Collegian. Please send comments to opinion@kstatecollegian.com.

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