Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of March 25

Spring is finally here! Enjoy it while it lasts before it becomes unbearably hot in two weeks. Don’t you love the Midwest?

Your week is set to be ruined by the existential realization that you will never get to see your favorite movie for the first time ever again.

Despite what your gut tells you, the stars say you can only graduate if you turn in your assignments before the due date, not after.

You will treat yourself to an ice cream cone this week, only for it to be blown away in the wind.

Listening to music with your new earbuds will seem like fun until you realize everyone within a 15-foot radius can also hear your music. Turn it down, dude.

Midterms are finally over, but don’t be surprised if your professors introduce quarter-terms in a few weeks. They’re out to get you.

The stars say life will hit you like a baseball this week. Or maybe they’re saying a baseball will hit you like life this week. Either way, it sounds painful.

In an effort to eat healthier, you will stop eating an entire pizza every night and start eating 16-inch sandwiches for dinner instead. I guess that’s a start.

Have you ever thought about how Goofy and Pluto are both dogs, but only one of them can talk? Well, too late. Sorry to put that in your head.

You didn’t hear this from me, but you should consider investing in gold this week. That’s all I’m saying for now.

Your grocery store will stop carrying your favorite brand of peanut butter crackers soon. The sense of betrayal will leave you hysterical.

I’m sensing a disturbance in the air. What could it be? Probably your body odor. Remember to shower, please.