Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of March 25

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Spring is finally here! Enjoy it while it lasts before it becomes unbearably hot in two weeks. Don’t you love the Midwest?

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Your week is set to be ruined by the existential realization that you will never get to see your favorite movie for the first time ever again.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Despite what your gut tells you, the stars say you can only graduate if you turn in your assignments before the due date, not after.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

You will treat yourself to an ice cream cone this week, only for it to be blown away in the wind.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Listening to music with your new earbuds will seem like fun until you realize everyone within a 15-foot radius can also hear your music. Turn it down, dude.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Midterms are finally over, but don’t be surprised if your professors introduce quarter-terms in a few weeks. They’re out to get you.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

The stars say life will hit you like a baseball this week. Or maybe they’re saying a baseball will hit you like life this week. Either way, it sounds painful.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

In an effort to eat healthier, you will stop eating an entire pizza every night and start eating 16-inch sandwiches for dinner instead. I guess that’s a start.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Have you ever thought about how Goofy and Pluto are both dogs, but only one of them can talk? Well, too late. Sorry to put that in your head.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You didn’t hear this from me, but you should consider investing in gold this week. That’s all I’m saying for now.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Your grocery store will stop carrying your favorite brand of peanut butter crackers soon. The sense of betrayal will leave you hysterical.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

I’m sensing a disturbance in the air. What could it be? Probably your body odor. Remember to shower, please.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I'm an English major who has very strong feelings about barbecue pizza and the Oxford comma. I like to write articles about my strong opinions, too! I also play lots of musical instruments and video games, but never at the same time. I'm the copy editor and a deputy multimedia editor this semester. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.