BREAKING: K-State still holding classes despite literal apocalypse outside

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Ferocious demons attack Anderson Hall with fire and lightning after a portal to the demonic realm opened on the morning of April 1, 2019. (Photo illustration by Kyle Hampel | Collegian Media Group)

After a portal to the demonic realm opened in the sky over Bosco Plaza early this morning, the Kansas State administration has announced the university will still be holding classes for the foreseeable future.

“A demonic invasion is confirmed to be taking place on the Manhattan #KState campus,” K-State tweeted. “Please exercise extreme caution and put personal safety first. Priests, rabbis and soldiers will be dealing with the threat. Students should use their best judgment when deciding to come to class.”

Eyewitnesses have confirmed Anderson Hall is already under demonic rule, and demons are likely to begin spreading to other buildings on campus as the day goes on.

“They just … flew out of the sky on their weird wings and stuff,” said Vergil Alighieri, sophomore in English and political science. “I got up early to study for a midterm and I just see this giant wormhole open in the clouds. Then lightning starts shooting out all over the place. What the hell — literally!”

Various students have been dodging fireballs and lightning bolts on their way to class today. Trish McLady, senior in human development, said one of her homework assignments got burned to ashes on her way to Eisenhower Hall.

“Some imp zombie thing on top of Anderson tagged me with a fireball,” McLady said. “It only hit my backpack, but now my Spanish homework is toast. Couldn’t these things have invaded Lawrence instead?”

When asked why she was going to class today, McLady shrugged and said, “They don’t give out attendance points in hell.”

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(Photo Illustration by Kyle Hampel | Collegian Media Group)

K-State has developed a reputation for being the last major university in Kansas to cancel classes during inclement weather, and President Richard Myers explained that it is no different during the apocalypse.

“Budget-wise, we don’t build canceled classes into our curriculums,” Myers said. “A closed campus would create disruptions in the flow, and students have already paid to go to classes a certain number of days in the year. We’re really doing them a favor.”

Myers added that he thinks the demonic invasion will only last “a few days” before things go back to normal. In the meantime, he encouraged students to attend their classes.

“Students need to think about why they are here,” Myers said. “They are here to get an education and enter the workforce. If they think we should be canceling classes every time a hell portal opens in the sky, what are future employers going to expect of our students?”

Joanna Faust, junior in fine arts, said she strongly disagrees with the university’s decision to keep campus open. She has spent several hours today organizing a protest with her friends a safe distance away from the hell portal in the sky.

“People are going to get hurt, and the higher-ups should admit that,” Faust said, holding a sign that reads “Demons Have More Rights Than My Uterus.”

“If you ask me,” Faust continued, “any professor who’s holding classes today should get dragged into the sky by those things with wings.”

Aleister LaVey, professor of biology, is one of many professors holding classes today as normal. A self-proclaimed rationalist, LaVey said his decision was influenced by a perceived lack of evidence from complaining students.

“I haven’t been hit by any fireballs today, so I think students are exaggerating,” LaVey said. “This generation is just so lazy, you know? If students really think they’re going to be tortured by demons or something, then they can stay home, and I will adjust their grades accordingly.”

It’s not all fun for the demons, though. Chattur’gha Ulyaoth, demonic invader, said he had his wing clipped by a student carrying a concealed handgun on campus.

“This really isn’t as easy as we were expecting, but we’re making progress,” Ulyaoth said. “So far we’ve conquered one building and kidnapped 12 people for eternal torture beyond the grave. Not a bad haul to start with.”

Ulyaoth said his wing damage is “troubling,” but he is waiting for fellow demonic invader Pazuzu Xel’lotath to come pick him up from Anderson.

“We’re thinking of renaming the building to ‘Anderson Hell’ once we’re done here,” Ulyaoth added.

Despite the nature of the apocalypse, not every local is cowering in their basement today. Manhattan resident Tony Redgrave told the Collegian he has been stockpiling on firearms and ammunition for the past several years in case of doomsday, and he is more than willing to help any citizens that need him.

“I’ve always been kind of a ‘doomsday prepper,’ I guess,” Redgrave said as he sat on his porch with two handguns full of silver bullets. “I just never thought it would come so soon. This is going to be one crazy party.”

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.