Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of April 1

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

You will soon find true love and feel utter bliss every day. Stay true to yourself.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

This week is going to be a good one for you, with food, friends and more. Just you wait and see.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

It’s a big world out there, and I know it might seem scary, but I just know you’ll be able to take your talents far.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

Has anyone told you how perfect your smile is? Don’t let anyone dull your sparkle this week.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

The week ahead might seem tough, but taking care of your business one day at a time will make everything better.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

The world shines a little brighter because you’re in it. Share that light with others this week, and see how good things can be.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Stress is something we all have to deal with, but you’re strong enough to make it for another seven days. Spread your wings and fly.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Wisdom has always come so naturally to you, and I just know you’ll be appreciated for it this week.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Your body is a temple, and you are its steward. Any exercise you get is a magnificent blessing for yourself.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

It’s okay to be nervous, but you have the courage inside you to ask that person out. Try it this week and see what wondrous places life will take you.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You have the power inside you to love others as much as dogs love you. Cherish it.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Life has its ups and downs like any good roller coaster, but for you, expect a lot of ups this week. Raise your arms and enjoy the ride.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I'm an English major who has very strong feelings about barbecue pizza and the Oxford comma. I like to write articles about my strong opinions, too! I also play lots of musical instruments and video games, but never at the same time. I'm the copy editor and a deputy multimedia editor this semester. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.