Time-traveling President Myers warns of squirrel takeover in 2030, sources say

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With time travel to the past proven possible by Kansas State University president Richard Myers, scientists' understanding of time will have to be heavily reconsidered in the coming years. (Courtesy photo by pixabay.com)

A mass communications lecture in Umberger Hall was interrupted today when a time portal opened in the front of the room and a haggard man wearing sunglasses and a black leather jacket rode out of the portal on a motorcycle with flaming tires.

Sources present at the scene say the man identified himself as Richard Myers, president of Kansas State University, before yelling that the Manhattan campus needed to prepare itself for a takeover by the local squirrel population. According to Myers, the hostile takeover by the “squirrel menace” would occur in the year 2030.

Two freshmen in mass communications, Kyle Connor and Sarah Reese, were sitting in the front row when Myers made his surprise appearance.

“He was just waving his arms around and ranting about squirrels,” Reese said. “It was giving me History Channel flashbacks. The professor kept trying to calm him down, but he was howling like a wolf. I was like, ‘Is this for real?'”

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A Manhattan squirrel eyes a photographer with suspicion on Sept. 14, 2017. Squirrels are not known for large-scale warfare, but stranger things have happened. (Archive photo by Maddie Domnick | Collegian Media Group)

Connor said Myers disappeared through another time portal before he was done ranting. Myers reportedly yelled, “Don’t forget what I’ve said, the future needs all of you!” before he was sucked into the portal, seemingly against his will.

“I consider myself something of a skeptic, so I don’t know if it was really Myers,” Connor said. “Still, the time portals were pretty convincing. It could go either way.”

Reese described Myers as looking “exactly like he does now, but like, older.” She clarified that his hair had grown out past his jawline and his face had several scars, but he otherwise looked mostly the same.

“He kind of looked like Star-Lord’s dad in that space movie,” Reese said. “You know, Burt Reynolds.”

When pressed for comment, Doreen Green, associate professor of rodent biology, said the likelihood of a squirrel invasion is “uncertain,” but possible.

“Squirrels are like little people,” Green said, petting a squirrel on her lap during the interview. “If you treat them well, they’ll like you. But if you give them too much power, it might start to go to their tiny heads. Isn’t that right, Mr. Fluffykins?”

The self-proclaimed “nutty professor” added that squirrels are known to be aggressive when their fragile egos are perceived to be in danger.

As previously reported by the Collegian, K-State announced plans to admit squirrels as students on April 1, 2018, due to declining enrollment. Whether or not this decision by the administration is related to the impending squirrel takeover is uncertain at this time.

Myers declined to give an interview regarding the appearance of his future self, but he did make a statement via K-State Today.

“What makes K-State great is the people, not the squirrels,” Myers wrote. “I hope everyone remembers that as we march onward.”

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.