Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of April 8

Spring is in the air, but so is pollen. This week will make your nose run like the Mississippi River.

Statistically speaking, it’s overwhelmingly likely that your perfect romantic partner lives on another planet somewhere in the universe. Might as well cancel that blind date.

The stars say there’s a hangover in your future, and my only advice for dealing with it is to invest in a lot of bacon and eggs before it’s too late.

What’s your favorite smell? I hope it’s smoke from burning prairies, because that’s all you’ll be catching a whiff of this week.

Your phone screen will acquire yet another crack this week, turning it into the world’s smallest stained glass window. How beautiful!

You will forget to take a quiz this week, but when you really think about it, it’s not as bad as forgetting to breathe. Silver linings, people.

You will be plagued with thoughts of adopting another cat this week. I mean, I can’t tell you what to do.

Have you ever thought about dying your hair blue? There’s no better way to tell people that you’re going through a difficult time, but you’re still totally handling it.

Your insatiable desire for pork rinds will begin to strain your personal relationships this week. Don’t ask me how; I’m just a messenger.

The stars say your week will start strong and end with an international incident in a gas station bathroom. Sounds exciting to me!

You didn’t hear this from me, but someone you know is secretly an alien. Do what you will with this information.

Your favorite pop artist will shock the world by tweeting a list of their favorite pizza toppings, with olives and pineapple in the top three. Sorry, kid. No one could have known.