Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of April 8

0
103

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Spring is in the air, but so is pollen. This week will make your nose run like the Mississippi River.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

Statistically speaking, it’s overwhelmingly likely that your perfect romantic partner lives on another planet somewhere in the universe. Might as well cancel that blind date.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

The stars say there’s a hangover in your future, and my only advice for dealing with it is to invest in a lot of bacon and eggs before it’s too late.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

What’s your favorite smell? I hope it’s smoke from burning prairies, because that’s all you’ll be catching a whiff of this week.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Your phone screen will acquire yet another crack this week, turning it into the world’s smallest stained glass window. How beautiful!

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

You will forget to take a quiz this week, but when you really think about it, it’s not as bad as forgetting to breathe. Silver linings, people.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

You will be plagued with thoughts of adopting another cat this week. I mean, I can’t tell you what to do.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Have you ever thought about dying your hair blue? There’s no better way to tell people that you’re going through a difficult time, but you’re still totally handling it.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Your insatiable desire for pork rinds will begin to strain your personal relationships this week. Don’t ask me how; I’m just a messenger.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

The stars say your week will start strong and end with an international incident in a gas station bathroom. Sounds exciting to me!

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You didn’t hear this from me, but someone you know is secretly an alien. Do what you will with this information.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Your favorite pop artist will shock the world by tweeting a list of their favorite pizza toppings, with olives and pineapple in the top three. Sorry, kid. No one could have known.

Advertisement
SHARE
Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I'm an English major who has very strong feelings about barbecue pizza and the Oxford comma. I like to write articles about my strong opinions, too! I also play lots of musical instruments and video games, but never at the same time. I'm the copy editor and a deputy multimedia editor this semester. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.