Spring is in the air, but so is pollen. This week will make your nose run like the Mississippi River.
March 21 – April 19
Statistically speaking, it’s overwhelmingly likely that your perfect romantic partner lives on another planet somewhere in the universe. Might as well cancel that blind date.
April 20 – May 20
The stars say there’s a hangover in your future, and my only advice for dealing with it is to invest in a lot of bacon and eggs before it’s too late.
May 21 – June 20
What’s your favorite smell? I hope it’s smoke from burning prairies, because that’s all you’ll be catching a whiff of this week.
June 21 – July 22
Your phone screen will acquire yet another crack this week, turning it into the world’s smallest stained glass window. How beautiful!
July 23 – Aug. 22
You will forget to take a quiz this week, but when you really think about it, it’s not as bad as forgetting to breathe. Silver linings, people.
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
You will be plagued with thoughts of adopting another cat this week. I mean, I can’t tell you what to do.
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Have you ever thought about dying your hair blue? There’s no better way to tell people that you’re going through a difficult time, but you’re still totally handling it.
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Your insatiable desire for pork rinds will begin to strain your personal relationships this week. Don’t ask me how; I’m just a messenger.
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
The stars say your week will start strong and end with an international incident in a gas station bathroom. Sounds exciting to me!
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
You didn’t hear this from me, but someone you know is secretly an alien. Do what you will with this information.
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Your favorite pop artist will shock the world by tweeting a list of their favorite pizza toppings, with olives and pineapple in the top three. Sorry, kid. No one could have known.