Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of April 15

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Still looking for a summer job? If nothing else, you could always try selling essential oils to unsuspecting Facebook friends.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

You will find yourself rewatching the “Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker” teaser trailer 14 times this week. Get a life, dude.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

The end of the semester is getting closer all the time! Good luck making it there with your sanity intact.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

I don’t know how to tell this to you, but she’s definitely lying. It’s not her, it’s you.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

You will receive a mysterious letter in the mail this week. There’s nothing weird about the letter itself, mind you. It’s just strange that they sent a physical letter. Who does that anymore?

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Be careful this week. Someone is after you, and they’ll try to get you by replacing all the chocolate bars in your home with Ex-Lax.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Warmer weather means cooler clothing, which would be great if you weren’t looking for a perfect pair of tall leather boots. Better luck next year!

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Come to think of it, does your mother know what you’re majoring in? Oh well, I’m sure there’s a reason you’re keeping it secret.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Soon, a dog will run up to you on a crisp spring morning. However, it will pee on you because it thought your red sweatpants were a fire hydrant.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

It’s time to get off your couch and go for a run — not for fitness, but because an undead monster will chase you out of your living room this week.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You are as graceful as you are gassy. Lay off on the beans this week, for everyone’s sake.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

As a form of torture, the universe will put you into a situation where you have to hear some nerd explain the entire plot of the “Kingdom Hearts” series in one sitting. Ouch.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.