Still looking for a summer job? If nothing else, you could always try selling essential oils to unsuspecting Facebook friends.
March 21 – April 19
You will find yourself rewatching the “Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker” teaser trailer 14 times this week. Get a life, dude.
April 20 – May 20
The end of the semester is getting closer all the time! Good luck making it there with your sanity intact.
May 21 – June 20
I don’t know how to tell this to you, but she’s definitely lying. It’s not her, it’s you.
June 21 – July 22
You will receive a mysterious letter in the mail this week. There’s nothing weird about the letter itself, mind you. It’s just strange that they sent a physical letter. Who does that anymore?
July 23 – Aug. 22
Be careful this week. Someone is after you, and they’ll try to get you by replacing all the chocolate bars in your home with Ex-Lax.
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Warmer weather means cooler clothing, which would be great if you weren’t looking for a perfect pair of tall leather boots. Better luck next year!
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Come to think of it, does your mother know what you’re majoring in? Oh well, I’m sure there’s a reason you’re keeping it secret.
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Soon, a dog will run up to you on a crisp spring morning. However, it will pee on you because it thought your red sweatpants were a fire hydrant.
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
It’s time to get off your couch and go for a run — not for fitness, but because an undead monster will chase you out of your living room this week.
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
You are as graceful as you are gassy. Lay off on the beans this week, for everyone’s sake.
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
As a form of torture, the universe will put you into a situation where you have to hear some nerd explain the entire plot of the “Kingdom Hearts” series in one sitting. Ouch.