Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of April 29

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Your neighbor’s apartment will start to smell so much it affects your own apartment, too. I’d invest in some nose plugs.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

If you’re starting to feel old, just remember that your lifespan is an insignificant speck on a geologic time scale. You’re practically a spring chicken!

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Now that you’ve seen “Avengers: Endgame,” you’ll feel a slight urge to cry every time you think about it this week. Don’t try to hide it.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

The stars want to remind you that your aches and pains are caused by malevolent body thetans, and the only cure is Scientology. If you don’t know what that means, good for you.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

How many push-ups can you do in a row? I bet you can do, like, four. Prove me wrong and I’ll buy you chocolate.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

You will learn a very hard lesson this week about the importance of frequently saving your essays as you write them.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

All the blooming flowers this week will look beautiful to you until they start to make you sneeze uncontrollably.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You will soon run out of printer ink at the worst time possible. In a way, ink cartridges are a reminder of life’s fragility.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

May is almost here, so hopefully your May Day doesn’t entail a mayday, you know what I mean?

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

A wild crow will decide you are its new best friend this week. Sure, its talons are a little pokey on your shoulder, but who else can say they have a pet crow?

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You will make the best calzones of your life for dinner this week, leaving you bittersweet after you’ve eaten them because you’ll know it’s all downhill from here.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Remember to call your mom this week for advice about getting wine stains out of the carpet — for a friend, of course.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.