Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of April 29

Your neighbor’s apartment will start to smell so much it affects your own apartment, too. I’d invest in some nose plugs.

If you’re starting to feel old, just remember that your lifespan is an insignificant speck on a geologic time scale. You’re practically a spring chicken!

Now that you’ve seen “Avengers: Endgame,” you’ll feel a slight urge to cry every time you think about it this week. Don’t try to hide it.

The stars want to remind you that your aches and pains are caused by malevolent body thetans, and the only cure is Scientology. If you don’t know what that means, good for you.

How many push-ups can you do in a row? I bet you can do, like, four. Prove me wrong and I’ll buy you chocolate.

You will learn a very hard lesson this week about the importance of frequently saving your essays as you write them.

All the blooming flowers this week will look beautiful to you until they start to make you sneeze uncontrollably.

You will soon run out of printer ink at the worst time possible. In a way, ink cartridges are a reminder of life’s fragility.

May is almost here, so hopefully your May Day doesn’t entail a mayday, you know what I mean?

A wild crow will decide you are its new best friend this week. Sure, its talons are a little pokey on your shoulder, but who else can say they have a pet crow?

You will make the best calzones of your life for dinner this week, leaving you bittersweet after you’ve eaten them because you’ll know it’s all downhill from here.

Remember to call your mom this week for advice about getting wine stains out of the carpet — for a friend, of course.