Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of May 6



March 21 – April 19

The school year is almost over, but make sure you’re not almost over, too. Drink plenty of water and eat some food with actual nutritional value, no matter what finals you’re taking.


April 20 – May 20

I know the weather’s nice, but don’t party too hard. I don’t care that your friends call you Chugmaster 3000.


May 21 – June 20

If you’re graduating soon, this is your reminder that you can only stay on your parents’ health insurance plan until you’re 26. Every cough is now a disaster waiting to happen.


June 21 – July 22

The stars say you have some very stressful weeks ahead of you, but don’t let that distract you from the fact that Wendy’s is running a social media campaign to bring back spicy chicken nuggets. Do your part.


July 23 – Aug. 22

Roses are red, while violets are blue. This poem is dumb, and so, too, are you. Go do your homework, keep studying hard — and don’t take advice from a rambling bard.


Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

If you’re lucky, an anvil will comically fall out of the sky and onto your head before you have to look at your final grades. All in good fun, of course.


Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

For good luck, try taking a final exam or two in your pajamas. It’s worked for me before, and you’ll look as bad as you feel!


Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Life after college is going to be an endless cycle of repetitive tasks punctuated by weekends that are always too short, but at least you’ll never have to take a gen ed again.


Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Every Scantron bubble you fill in before the semester ends will feel like another labored breath inside the back room of a hippie shop. Stay strong.


Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

I know it’s called “dead week,” but don’t let this week fool you. You’ll only wish you were dead.


Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Creating the 20-or-so citations for your last essays of the year will convince you to invest in purely out of respect.


Feb. 19 – March 20

Why even bother taking your final exams or doing your final projects? Climate change is going to mess up all your future plans anyway. Just order a pizza and chill out.

Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I am a 2019 graduate in English. I have strong feelings about barbeque pizza and the Oxford comma. I am a former copy chief, community editor, feature editor, designer and deputy multimedia editor. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.