Slightly Sarcastic Horoscopes: Week of May 6

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ARIES

March 21 – April 19

The school year is almost over, but make sure you’re not almost over, too. Drink plenty of water and eat some food with actual nutritional value, no matter what finals you’re taking.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

I know the weather’s nice, but don’t party too hard. I don’t care that your friends call you Chugmaster 3000.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

If you’re graduating soon, this is your reminder that you can only stay on your parents’ health insurance plan until you’re 26. Every cough is now a disaster waiting to happen.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

The stars say you have some very stressful weeks ahead of you, but don’t let that distract you from the fact that Wendy’s is running a social media campaign to bring back spicy chicken nuggets. Do your part.

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Roses are red, while violets are blue. This poem is dumb, and so, too, are you. Go do your homework, keep studying hard — and don’t take advice from a rambling bard.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

If you’re lucky, an anvil will comically fall out of the sky and onto your head before you have to look at your final grades. All in good fun, of course.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

For good luck, try taking a final exam or two in your pajamas. It’s worked for me before, and you’ll look as bad as you feel!

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Life after college is going to be an endless cycle of repetitive tasks punctuated by weekends that are always too short, but at least you’ll never have to take a gen ed again.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Every Scantron bubble you fill in before the semester ends will feel like another labored breath inside the back room of a hippie shop. Stay strong.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

I know it’s called “dead week,” but don’t let this week fool you. You’ll only wish you were dead.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Creating the 20-or-so citations for your last essays of the year will convince you to invest in EasyBib.com purely out of respect.

PISCES

Feb. 19 – March 20

Why even bother taking your final exams or doing your final projects? Climate change is going to mess up all your future plans anyway. Just order a pizza and chill out.

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Kyle Hampel
Those words you just read were written by me, Kyle Hampel. I'm an English major who has very strong feelings about barbecue pizza and the Oxford comma. I like to write articles about my strong opinions, too! I also play lots of musical instruments and video games, but never at the same time. I'm the copy editor and a deputy multimedia editor this semester. Beloit, Kansas, is proud to call me their own, along with several other towns I've lived in that aren't as special to me.